I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Randomize
