At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So squirting runs in the family.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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