im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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