If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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