Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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