Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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