I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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