I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
