I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
