wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
