actually, I'm a sock model
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
