I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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