I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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