I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
