he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
