We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
