I wish I could teleport
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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