Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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