i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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