You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
