i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
