You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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