My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
