I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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