I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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