come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
