I will die if light touches me.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
