Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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