How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
