Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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