I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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