Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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