I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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