just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
