Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
