i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
