listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
