She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
