It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
