and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
