I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
