At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
