sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
