hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
