sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
