He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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