I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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