Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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