i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
