naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I wish there were birth control emojis
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
